Dante's J.O.U.R.N.A.L. (<...Not a diary...>)

[Tsubasa]

.....Well, how exactly shall I start this stupid cliche thing? Really, when Dorian gave this to me, I thought he was insane. Apparently he gave it to me so I can relive my stress into it. But, that's stupid, I already use Dorian to relive my stress into.....Oh, no wonder.

Hmm...Let's see...

Dear Diary...

No, that's stupid. Oh well, I think I should just go into some stupid rant, without having to fuss with details. People usually put their days in these things, now don't they? Well, it's a good thing I have a photographic memory...well, only for the things I want to remember...


Wait, that's not true actually...Truthfully, there could be so much in this little journal that I could put in. But who says I want to? Who says this really matters, how could this possibly make me feel any better? It's just paper, with writing in it from some idiot's memory. I mean, what's the point of writing something down if no one's going to read it? This is just stupid really. So stupid....So why am I still writing? Good question. Wish I could answer it myself. Well, he said to write about my days...so, why don't I start as far back as I remember?

Ah yes, I think I can remember back a bit to when I was seven. Truthfully it's a bit sad that I can't really put the details down from farther back, but before seven it's just bits and fragments of forgotten memories. Well, let's see. When I was seven I remember that it was a bit different back then. I was--here it comes--friends with that ingrate, stupid, failure of a brother Peter. Ugh, I shudder to even think about it. Thankfully, my grades had and had always been just as good as they are today, so that had nothing to do with anything. I remember my parents had always been trying to separate me and my brother, and for good cause too. They apparently gave up on him already, and didn't want his 'failness' to rub off on me, their 'GOOD' son. Sadly enough, I refused to be separated, and clinged to him like a goddamn puppy. It makes me shudder when I think about it. Ugh.

Gotta go, here comes Dorian. I don't want him to actually THINK that I AM writing in this godforsaken dia-...no, journal. This is a journal. Because I am manly.

[Tsubasa]

Well, here I am again. It seems that this thing proves more useful than I had previously thought. Sometimes it is...rather nice to write your thoughts down. And it's nice to know that no one shall ever read this. A person can write whatever they desire, and no one will ever know. And I think...I think I feel that I must write a few things down that I had never, ever told to any one. And never will. So dear journal, I will start back once again to my young age at seven. Before everything changed...

I remember that I would play with Peter. Many games were our hobbies. Such as the infamous, hide and go seek, or tag. Life was so simple back then, I never cared of the future, or even the present. Everything went as I liked it, and that was good enough for me. At school I had many friends, but Peter was my best. No one could separate us, even though our age difference, for our mind level then, was vast. I was seven, he was five. People would think it was hard to communicate. But it never was, because our mind was one, as corny and cliche as that would sound. M parents looked down distastefully at him, for his lack of good grades and everything else. I, on the other hand, was all A pluses, and nothing below. But unfortunately I wasn't at all strong. I was a weak, very delicate child. Very naive.

One day, Peter and I had been in the park, playing at the water fountain and splashing each other. Peter, although, had been rather sick lately, and was forced to return home. I had been left alone in that park, sitting on a bench, kicking my legs, and waiting for some friends to possibly arrive. When, I turned around, and saw the most interesting girl.

She was beautiful, but that wasn't the reason why I was drawn to her. She looked as though she was so terribly bored, so emotionless, nothing shining in her eyes. Mysterious, almost. Light brown curls fell upon her shoulders in high pig tails, tied together with red ribbon. Curly heavy bangs almost covered her eyes, but fell only to her eyelids, which seemed to be almost half-way closed. Dark, misty night-blue eyes stared at nothing, into the distance. And even though it was summer time, she was wearing a wool, heavy forest green scarf, wrapped around her small neck. A frilly peach dress adorned her, tightened with a red bow at the middle top of it. It fell down to only her knees, and a sunflower yellow over shirt with long sleeves but very short length went over it, not covering her chest area although, as it was almost like a light jacket.

I couldn't help but gaze at her, not even realizing that she knew. As I looked at her pale face, those dark blue eyes averted their faraway glance to mine, surprising me and causing me to jump back a bit. Then it surprised me more as I heard a slight monotone voice come out from those small pink lips.

"It's rude to stare you know."

It amazing that I can remember all this detail. But then, as I said before, I have a photographic memory. And that, is what plagues me so.

I remember only a bit that I had walked up to her and greeted her. We talked, and yet she never told me her name.

"I think that names are irrelevant. Why should one be bombarded with a title that was forced upon them. You know who I am now, so why should you have to remember a title?"

"But then, what do I call you? I have to be able to call you something."

"I don't know..You may call me whatever you like."

"...Howabout...Alice..."

"Why Alice?"

"Because 'Alice in Wonderland' is my favorite story. It's all about imagination taking you wherever you want."

"You are a strange one."


I immediately fell in love.


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[Tsubasa]

This picture has been torn at the edges and appears very dusty, as if it had been long forgotten.


Here is a picture that someone had drawn of her while she was practicing archery. I had always been confused on why she had taken up a more male sport, as she was a girl and should be practicing something more...lady-like. But she had always retorted with a snort and would say things like 'gender is not what defines us.' That always had made me think. It surpises me to this day on why I had kept this picture.
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[Tsubasa]

Here I am again, ready to pour out more of this godforsaken heart of mine. Well, to continue off, I almost never was seen without her. This 'Alice'. Even though all of the time she was so bored around me, never interested in what I wanted to do, always reluctant. But...She still hung out with me...She still played with me...She still came over whenever I asked without hesitation...That had to mean something, right?

I figured she would never feel the same way that I would. Love, for that matter. But, if I got to spend time with her, then what did it matter? Sure, don't get me wrong, I still played with Peter every chance I got when not with her. I never once thought about how Peter felt, since his time with me had been cut off ever since I met Alice. I never realized he might have been jealous. But I was so entranced with this puppy-love. Her bored eyes always caught mine, the way she reasoned with life at such a mature level, far beyond a seven year-old's mind.

We had been talking, talking about having her parents come over. Apparently, unknown to my prior knowledge but now indulged, our parents both were well acquainted. This was the perfect opportunity to finally find out who she really was. Behind this 'Alice' mask of hers that I put own for her. So exited I was. You have no idea. Rushing home I remember discussing it with my parents. I even remember my father raising his eyebrow and my mother in the parlor, adorning herself with perfume and powder. My father agreed, hiding a glint in his eyes which I so obviously caught, without knowing what it was though. My mother spoke up then from the other side, walking out with her lavender purse, explaining that we would talk later as they were going to a ball that night. Peter and I were to be left alone in the house, as they would come back shortly. It didn't matter, since the servants were in the other wing of the house. Nothing could go wrong.

[Tsubasa]

That night, I had a dream.

I dreamed that I was walking down a corridor, searching for something. Suprisingly I didn't actually know what it was that I was searching for, but I continued on. I opened and shut doors, I ran up and down stairs. And then finally, I came up to the balcony. Opening the white and see through doors, I came upon a figure, back turned, and brown hair blowing in the moonlight. I tried to speak, but no words would come out. Opening and closing my mouth, nothing would do. Then, the figure turned its head, and there was my sweet Alice, her eyes as mysterious as ever. She closed them, and then opened her mouth.

It was muffled, I couldn't hear a word. Yet I kept trying to tell her, which was hard to do since I could not speak. Seeing this, she spoke again, only bits and fragments seeped through my ears.

"Do.....oit....night...."

What was it that she was trying to tell me? What were these words?

"Do.....oit....night...."

It fruterated me to no end. Running toward her, maybe if I could use movements it would help. But slowly she was farther away, the balcony had mysteriously stretched. I ran, but my movements were cast into slow-motion. Alice! Alice! I could not scream her name. Even though, it was not her name.

"DANTE!"

And I woke up. My eyes shot up, and were surprised to find the same black darkness they had seen as when they were closed. But then, I heard the sound of heavy panting, followed with raced footsteps, coming closer towards his room. A shine of light creeped open, making me cringe and try to adjust my eyes. Standing in the doorway was a panicked looking Peter.

What could this be about? If only I had known. If only I had listened to what she has said.

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[Tsubasa]

.......Theives?

This had to be a nightmare. Sure, I was always resourceful and smart, and I loved to always talk big. But this was serious. These were theives we were talking about. People who would do anything to get what they want. Even if it meant hurt kids like us. Well, we had to take action, that had been my very thought. I had to stand up and protect my brother, he was my best friend. Even if I loved Alice, she was a different kind of love. The bond between brother's was much stronger, and could never be broken. Hah, what a thought that amuses me today. I was so naive back then.

"Don't worry Peter, I'll protect you! I promise!"

But now I had to think. What could I do? We needed to defend ourselves. With...weapons probably. And that's when it hit me. Father's gun... Turning to Peter, I gave him a stern look and said the thing that I regret to this very day.

"Where does Father keep his gun?"


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[Tsubasa]

After locating Father's gun by Peter's knowledge, the two of us had sneaked into his room, and I currently was standing tip-toed on a chair, reaching for it. It was on the top of a very high cabinet, so it was pretty hard to get. My small little fingers wriggled and grasped for it, until they felt a bit of the cold metal, and tugged. It slowly fell into my hand and I pulled it down as I got off of the chair. But soon I had to use two hands as I learned that it was very heavy. Motioning the 'shush' sign to my brother, we made our way downstairs verrryyyy quietly. By this time I was nervous as hell. Every part of my body was shaking, including my clattering teeth. Sweat rolled down my forehead and my hands went clammy, almost making the gun slip away.

Fortunately the stairs we walked down were not creaking stairs, so we made no noise at all. As we got to the bottom, it seemed that all the lights were out, but my eyes had become accustomed to the darkness and I could see almost. Squinting my eyes, I could make out only two figures in the dark, probably the thieves. Raising my gun and putting my finger on the trigger, I was about to scream and warn them, trying to scare them off.

But a noise went off.

A drop of a bag some sort, from one of the thieves.

And I got scared.

And pulled the trigger.

BANG!!!

BANG!!!

My mouth went open, forming a gasp that never came out. My eyes also widened, filling up my face almost. I remember that Peter had turned on the lights at that very moment, which opened up my view to who exactly I had shot.

OH.

MY.

GOD.

These were not thieves. These were anything but thieves. These were a woman and a man, who after looking at me and at the wounds in their chests, so elegently placed, fell down with two 'thunks'.

These were Alice's parents.

And there was Alice, standing between them, covered in blood but uninjured. As wide eyed as me.

And silence followed, until it was cut short by sounds emitting from both of us. Tears formed in her usually dim eyes, and soon I followed. She looked at them, and she looked at me.

"M-my...y-you....wha..."

I dropped the gun, and it made a loud noise as it hit the stone floor. My hands reached up to my face, as my head started shaking.

"NO! I didn't! I didn't mean to! I never! This was!! I! I!"

Then, her eyes formed a venomous glare, one that I had never seen in my lifetime, and still have yet to ever been replaced. Raising a shaking finger at me, her mouth opened.

"You...you....MONSTERRR!!!!!!!!"

Now, today it hits me what she had forwarned in the dream.

"Do.....oit....night...."

"Don't do it tonight..."

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[Tsubasa]

I couldn't get over that night. I still can't, the memories are locked up inside of me, and they constantly come back in nightmares. I was so terribly scarred that my parents had to put me in therapy. For THREE YEARS. Three years constant psychiatrists came and went, trying to put me out of my depression, and for three years nothing helped.

I was a mess, and I knew it. I showered constantly as if trying to rid away the pain. I wouldn't eat, and hardly slept. And when I did sleep I just had those horrible nightmares. It was terrible, my grades were terrible and had to be home schooled for awhile until I got better.

Finally, after nothing could be done, my father stepped in. Taking me into a closed room, he sat me down on a seat and looked me straight in the eye.

"Now Dante, what happened that night was not your fault."

I clenched my eyes, refusing to look at him. My whole body trembling, I tried to reply.

"Not my fault? NOT MY FAULT?! How could it not be my fault? I SHOT THEM! I shot them in cold blood, and then she...Alice, was even said to have committed suicide!"

I could hear my father sighing, and pulled a chair for himself. Sitting down, he put a hand on my shoulder and tried to get my attention.

"Listen, first of all it was just rumors. Nobody really knows if she committed suicide or not. And second of all, sure it was you who pulled the trigger, but was it really YOU that killed them? Think about it."

This particular statement confused me to no end. If I pulled the trigger, then of course it was me who killed them. What on earth was he talking about? Opening my eyes, I glanced up to him with puzzlement in my eyes.

"But...Father, that makes no--"

"As I said, think about it. Who really was responsible for their deaths? Who actually killed them? Dante, you were just a tool, not the killer."

But...this made no sense....if it wasn't me who killed them, then who did? I just couldn't bring myself to understand. He sighed again, rubbing his temples.

"Who was it that told you there were thieves in the house?"

Now this really brought my attention.

"P-peter?"

"And who was it that knew where my gun was?"

Where could he have been getting at?

"W-well.....Peter again."

Before he stated the next question, I could see a smirk present in his overbearing eyes.

"And who was it just happened to turn on the lights only after they were shot?"

What.....what? I looked up at him, wide eyes. He couldn't be serious, couldn't he? Was he suggesting that...that Peter was the one responsible? That couldn't be true!

.....

Could it?

I stood up in my chair rapidly, hands in the air. I was shaking all over, after discovering this possibility.

"But Father!! What motive would he have for wanting their deaths?!"

He was clearly pleased now, after my realizing of what his intentions were.

"He didn't care about them, all he cared about was you. Think about it. Always jealous of your grades, popularity, not to mention our love. And then, here comes Alice, who you love so dearly. He was probably jealous of her too, wanting your friendship back. That was his motive, to ruin your life. For revenge."

It all hit me, as if my world just crumbled to pieces. Father was right, it was Peter's fault! It all made sense now. I felt like a huge block of something was lifted of my chest. It wasn't my fault!!! It wasn't my fault at all!

"It's not my fault then!"

Father sighed with relief, standing up with me. He hugged me gently, and then stood back.

"Good, I'm glad you realized it. It's not your fault."

But that meant, that Peter meant this intentionally. Anger filled through me. Anger that I had never experience before in my whole life. That BASTARD. After all those times we had together, after how much I loved and cared about him! It was all for nothing, it was all a mistake!

Running out of the room, I ran through the halls until I spotted him. Growling, I ran up to him and literally tackled him to the ground, proceeding with punching him repeatedly.

"YOU BASTARD!!! How could you do that to me?! How could you betray me?!!!"

Tears were clearly formed in my eyes now.

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